A Letter to my Excess Hair

Dear Excess Bodily Hair,

You've been a part of my life for about sixteen years now and in that time I haven't really told you how I feel.

Well at the age of 32 I have decided that I might as well bite the bullet and be honest with you, so here goes.

First of all, a note to my pubic hair. A few years ago I tried to kill you with laser hair removal. I didn't feel at all bad about it. I mean why did you have to multiply at such a steady rate? I waxed you, plucked you and shaved you and still you insisted on reappearing within a matter of days.

When I lasered you away, I didn't miss you at all and for the bits of you that were left, I was extremely happy with your new shape and behaviour. For once in your life you were actually doing as you were told. The thing is that I'm now wondering if I went a bit far. When I get older will I be desperate to have you back? What if full on pubes become all the rage? Will I forever look like a 90's pubic throwback? Please God I will never have to resort to a murkin or some form of hair replacement therapy in the name of fashion.

Now chin hairs and moustache, I'm afraid I 'm going to be a lot harsher with you. Aren't you mature enough not to play stupid games? Why every time I get you threaded or plucked do you insist on sprouting back almost instantly? Do you know how much threading costs? Do you know how painful it is?

I also want to know what the point of you is? When I found my first chin hair almost ten years ago I thought it was some sort of mistake. Twenty two year olds didn't get hairy chins! Well how do you think I feel now? If I left you to your own devices it scares me that you would lose all control and i'd look like I was growing a miniature beard. I am a very ambitious woman, but being a bearded lady just doesn't fit into my life plan. Why are you here? What purpose do you serve?

Oh and as for you moustache, do you know how annoying you are to remove? Veet gives me a rash, threading is ridiculously painful, waxing doesn't last and I absolutely refuse to bleach you as I'll end up looking all fluffy and odd. I do thank you for being quite thin and barely noticable to others, but I know that you're there and I don't feel at all feminine when I notice you.

Finally, a note to my pesky eyelashes. Why, when the rest of my body spurts hair at a rate of knots, do you refuse to get any longer? I promise you that I will never make any effort to remove you, but will cherish you and decorate you with all the latest mascaras and accessories. Is there anything that I can do to encourage you to play ball and grow for me?

All in all, excess hair, I think we have a very disfunctional relationship and I hope that we can sort things out.

I await your reply with anticipation

Yours

Nicola